Crossroads

I've been feeling lost lately. I feel like I should be doing something different, something more, but I can't really figure out what it is. Could this be, like in one of those mythical novels, a crossroads in my life? Will my life completely change if I go left, or then suddenly decide to go right?

As of next Tuesday, I'll be 32 years old. This number doesn't really scare me since I've actually been telling people I'm 32 for the last full year. Apparently, I can't subtract correctly. On all the forms I've filled out, I've been 32. I feel 32, so it seems appropriate to be there for another year.

In all honesty, what scares me the most, is that I feel like I've been standing still for quite some time, going nowhere. It's not been a meditative stand still either. It's more of a growly, stamp your foot on the ground, howl at the moon, let's get this thing moving, Lord, if it's ever going to move, kind of stance. You can see why I'm still stuck. I'm impatient and, on my worse days, unkind.

The more I pray, the more confused I get. The more I ask people, the more lost I feel. And here I be, still standing in front of this crossroads, birthday crown in hand, shaking and afraid.

Mall Walkers

I love to walk outside. Since mid-August, I've been trying to pound the pavement and trails to get my heart a little healthier and my mind a lot calmer. It's also helped shed the pounds, too, I might add. I feel really good.

But now winter has arrived. Cold temperatures. Ice and snow. Walking outside has taken on a whole new dimension. It's not pretty. In the absence of a gym membership, I've taken to walking at the Capital Mall in the evenings. It's not real pretty either.

Here are some observations from my last mall walk:

1. I'm the youngest mall walker by about 40 years, yet some walkers are still kicking my butt. This might be embarrassing if I had any pride left. I'm a mall walker now. I've got really thick skin and a gigantic, get-out-of-my-way stride.

2. I made eye contact with an old boyfriend (and his wife, I assume) that I haven't seen in more than 15 years. He was impeccably dressed with the same beautiful, blue eyes. Though we ended on a harmonious chord, we don't nod, wave, or talk. We just pass by.

3. Pregnant ladies in their final trimester like to be at the mall. They don't look happy nor do their men-folk holding their hands, or their purses, or (in some instances) their bellies.

4. Nobody buys anything from those kiosks in the middle of the mall. Those workers must be the most patient people in the universe. I would hurt myself after that many hours of people just passing me by. I would also hate Christmas music.

5. Kids are crazy. Parents aren't much better.

6. Couples really like to demonstrate their love and affection for each other while shopping. Holding hands is never enough. It's important to kiss and rub all over each other, so people know you are definitely not on the market.

7. The make-up counter ladies at Dillard's aren't real busy. I've never seen them putting makeup on anyone but themselves, or each other.

8. I miss Orange Julius.

9. When I round the corner by the Sears wing and a Kelly Clarkson song comes on, you can bet I jump around like a crazy person. I just noticed the camera this week. Crap.

10. After one hour of mall walking, despite all my eye rolling and complaining, the scenery isn't half bad. It's exercise. It's free. It's not much different than my 7th grade year when I would stroll around with my friends, just too cool for school.

I will be glad when the milder temperatures come back around or I reach my goal weight, whichever comes first, and then I can treat myself to a well-deserved gym membership. Perhaps I'll actually use it this time around since I've seen the dark side of exercise now. But, in the meantime, if you happen to be at the mall, keep your eye out for me. Don't be shy either. Start waving.

When It Rains, It Pours

Over the last few years, I've acquired a few pounds. Two kids. Busy lifestyle. A sugar habit and no exercise. The list could go on and on, as all good "this really isn't my fault" lists do, but I'll spare you the details. Bottom line? I'm a chunk. And it is my fault.

So, for a few months, I've been trying to make some lifestyle changes. This includes trying to walk outside for an hour every day. Why outside? Well, I hate the gym. It's depressing. Part of it's the spandex, but mainly it's the sweaty bodies and ringworm residue on all the equipment. It's also pricey. I know this because I paid the YMCA for more than two years and never actually went.

This is why, earlier this evening, I found myself walking in the rain at the Nature Center. It started out as a drizzle and then went into an all out pour, but I was determined to get my walk in. I mean, if I can't even walk in some fall rain, what will I be like when there is snow on the ground?

After the first 10 minutes of being wet, I started to enjoy the wilderness during a good rain. All the animals were enjoying the rain, too. I saw six turkeys and eight deer, but no people. The deer refused to get off the trail, so I was re-routed twice, which may seem cute until you actually see them walking toward you for a quick pet. Everything smells different in the forest when it rains. I never knew that before.

Exercise just doesn't seem so mundane around all this beauty. It's almost as if nature is urging me to keep moving, so I can see what is around the next bend. So I go and I see. Even in the rain, when I'm soaked all the way through, it feels good to be a part of all this beauty. I'm a lucky girl. Fat and all.

School Pictures

Cooper has his first official school picture tomorrow. I'm so excited! I've already completed the order form. Check. I've prepped him for his school picture experience. Check, check. I should have known that things were going a little too smoothly.

Jeff, my dear sweet hubby, was supposed to "trim" his hair before school pictures. This didn't happen, of course. Cooper's hair is flying up on the sides and back and front, just like mine used to do. It's messier than messy. He also managed to split his top lip on his dinner plate (I'm not sure how), so it's slightly puffy. And, when we finally practiced his smile for school pictures tonight, he smiled so big that his eyes were at half mast in this weird squint. Keep your eyes wide open, I say. He tries, only it looks like he's a mad scientist.

I guess when he gets up tomorrow and wants to wear his brightest orange shirt, I should just go with the flow. A good mother would gently comb his hair down and hug him tight as he bounces off to school. After all, it's his first school picture, not mine. I'm not sure I'm there yet.

I guess when you get his school picture in the mail, all crazy and wild looking or perfectly quaffed and angelic, you'll know how it turned out. Keep it as a reminder. Not everything in life turns out perfect.

Life Can Really Suck

I haven't really felt like writing lately. It's nothing personal, you see. I've just sort of been in a funk. Work is stressful. There's no zen-like feeling at home. And all the other stuff in my life? Well, it just kind of feels like a whole lot of nothing. 

But a few days ago, I had a resurgence of my old self.  No explanation why. It's like the world came into focus and suddenly got its zing back. I felt happy, really happy. I started to notice again how beautiful the world was---flowers blooming, trees turning and people smiling---and it felt, if only for a moment, like I was right were I should be. 

This up and down side to my life, my personality, my womanhood, only affirms what I've always known---life can really suck. But if you stick around, it always gets better. Events unfold. People change. Time heals us. Most importantly, we are often given a chance to view the world from a different perspective. We can choose to see the distorted, negative image from inside the bell jar, or the crystal clear, fresh view looking out.

Hold your breath for awhile. Throw a fit. Lay down and have a good cry. But, whatever you do, don't give up for too many minutes, okay? There is so much goodness waiting for you, waiting for us all.

Bad Bad Girl in a Sweet Sweet World

In between getting married, starting a family, furthering my career, and having another baby, I've let my body go. It's big. It's motherly. And it's really, really out of shape. I think about my body a lot, I really do, but I never actually DO anything about it. I don't exercise. I don't refrain from eating any item on the fast food menu. I would even boast I'm at the pinnacle of my baking career, simply because I practice all the time. I have a double-chocolate scone recipe that will bring tears to your eyes when it's warm from the oven.

Then, last week happened with a major health scare. I was having some tightening in my chest on Wednesday night and then several times on Thursday. I went to the ER and then things progressed from there. When you mention chest pain, be prepared, my friends, for some serious exploratory things from weird dyes in your veins to running on a treadmill in your hospital gown. The heart is serious business.

After a million tests, it turns out my ticker is just fine. What is not fine is that fact that I have let my body get grossly out of shape with no exercise and then put every sugary item I can find in my mouth. My bad cholesterol is way high when it should be low. My good cholesterol is way low when it should be high. These are bad signs for my heart on down the road. While some is genetics, I will admit, much is related to my excesses with food and my absolute absence of exercise. Cholesterol can tell you a lot about a girl.

It took some chastising from a cardiologist, pretty expensive tests and almost 23 hours in an open gown at the hospital, BUT....I think I'm finally awake now to the damage I've been doing to my body. My eyes are open. I left the hospital depressed about the whole situation, especially the fact that I'm responsible for this mess and changes need to happen immediately. No need being sad about what is or dwelling in what could have been, I guess. It's time to just make it happen. Here's to healthier living.....for me and for you.

Let It Shine

I always thought I was destined to do something really special. As a kid, I used to imagine flying to the moon, saving a life or inventing something really terrific, like the ever-lasting gobstopper. My life could slide this way or that way, but I just had this confidence that an extraordinary event or talent would happen to me eventually.

At 10, I did do some brief modeling for House of Bargains. While it was pro bono work, of course, it did give me a glimpse of how a life under the bright lights might turn out. I imagined traveling all around the world, thin and captivating, to give people this gift of beauty. So, when the modeling work dried up shortly after my debut, I just moved on. No hurt feelings really.

In high school, it dawned on me that maybe sports might be the way to go. I played softball, basketball and ran track. Go, go, go. I even made it to the state track meet my sophomore year. One week later, I tore the ligament in my knee. It was a hard break, but that's life. I packed away the gloves, and cleats, and batons. I didn't look back either.

I pushed my way through college as fast as I could because, well, let's get real, you are more likely to find extraordinary in the real world than in college. I started my first day at a national law firm in a very sharp suit, with a very bright smile, and walked into a very big building. Do you see the importance? I also sat at very small cubicle with not a very nice boss with not a lot of input into my work. I really was a good puppet. Nothing special about that.

Kids came. Here was my chance to give something Herculean. During birth, I asked for pain medicine and then cried like a baby during the c-section because I had failed to progress. I've spanked my kids in public, I've cried alone in the garage and I've gone to a big work meeting with some kind of goo on my shoulder from morning hugs. On the rare days I've got it all in a nice, neat package, I think if I could only sustain this.....it might be special.

But today, it came to me. There is a really good chance that I will never invent something, win the lottery, touch the moon, be a celebrity, or have people recite my poems in every classroom around the country. Perhaps I don't get a special event or that extraordinary big thing in this life, but instead I get a quirky personality and a light within that radiates to others. Special might be making people laugh. Being kind, or loyal, or loving. It might even be all those big mistakes I've made along the way that I thought made me really unlovable. It somehow also made me approachable.

So, I guess I feel good about that kind of special. No big headlines, you see, just a dogged determination to keep plugging away at those big, ugly, hot stage lights in my life. Those moments can be wonderful, too. Let it shine, let it shine.